Things I've Learned From Driving A Greyhound Bus

My driving career at Greyhound spans about 10 years, and no one does anything that long without picking up some useless knowledge along the way. Here are just a few of the nuggets of wisdom I've acquired. Hopefully, these tidbits can help you along the way. Enjoy!

1. If you are the driver of the bus, it was your fault. You should have known better.
(Some people assume that all decisions of Greyhound Lines, Inc. are that of the bus driver.)

2. "How about if I just call your bosses in Dallas?" is the last ditch effort of a liar or bullshit artist.
(Yeahright. The suits in Dallas are really interested in my bus here in Hooterville.)

3. Sitting in the first row seats give the passenger the devine right to play co-pilot.
(Nevermind that I've run this route so many times I can do it in my sleep -- and often do.)

4. "I spend a ton of money with Greyhound!" really means: "I bought a bus ticket...once...4 years ago."
(This is benine next to the malignant, "I pay your salary!" That'll get you tossed off any bus.)

5. Passengers that claim they get car sickness need to sit in the first row of seats.
(Bullshit. Like I really need to sit across of a potential vomit monkey. It's a medical fact that sitting in a front row seat promotes and stimulates car sickness. Sit in the back, next to the doo doo room!)

6. Passengers claim they need to sit in the front row seats to keep you (the driver) awake.
(Again, I've most likely chosen this schedule because I like to do this stretch at night. AND, I've done it several times already without a major mishap. Find a seat in the back and go to sleep!)

7. The old-timer driver you bent over backwards to help out is screwing you over.
(Two buses on the same schedule, and he wants you to do all the work and make all of the stops while he cruises non-stop with five people onboard.)

8. "Are we there yet?" is apparently the funniest joke bus passengers have ever heard.
(I'm not deaf. I'm ignoring you. Now that's funny.)

9. "I don't mean to be a pain..." really means: "I'm too stupid to listen to your announcement when you pulled out of the depot, and all that travel and connection information certainly didn't apply to me."
(No cupcake. I should have waited until you finished your loud cellphone call.)

10. The Top Three Responsibilities of a Professional Greyhound Driver:
*1. Drive
*2. Not hit anything -- or anybody (including passengers)
*3. Babysit the confused old people dropped off at the bus station by their irresponsible, inconsiderate adult children.

11. Buying $7 SuperSaver ticket gives the passengerer the right to treat the bus driver like their own personal bitch.

12. Reclining seats break because they are poorly constructed, not because the idiot sitting in it is trying to make it their own personal cot.

13. Eleven-year-old Timmy, who lives in Podunk Heights, knows more about Greyhound Lines policy and procedure than the guy that has been driving the bus since before Timmy was born.

14. Cheap luggage should be able to withstand a nuclear explosion.

15. Central Dispatch in Dallas knows all and sees all...and, the decision of dispatch is final!
(I am The Great and Powerful Oz...)

16. The public restroom on the bus can easily be mistaken for a private smoking lounge.
(The last driver let me smoke in here!)

17. Tattling on me to the 16 year-old customer service agent will always result in my kissing your ass and letting you do what you want to do on my bus...and, apologizing for my actions.
(I was driving the bus when little miss bus station manager was in utero. Fuck you. Fuck BOTH of you.)

And finally....

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
(This goes BOTH ways. There are some questions that require no answer from me, the driver, and there are times when I, the driver doesn't need hecklers -- or cute remarks from the passengers. And yes, I can put you off this bus.)

I hope you all took something away from this. It would be a shame to find out that all of this is useless information that will never further benefit myself or the riding public.

The Greyhounder